Making a Decision: Blessed Timothy

Making a decision
Blessed
Timothy



We are continuing to look at the intense interior life of this brother of ours and at his active, not to say anxious, search for a solution to a great problem: will he remain a seminarian in the Alba Seminary and become part of the Diocesan clergy, or will he renounce this stable and secure future to become part of the "adventure" on which Fr. Alberione had already set out? And we cannot remain indifferent to his thinking and to his concerns. Have we not all been faced with difficult decisions at least once and perhaps several times in our lives? What decision, for example, is more crucial than the choice of a spouse, bearing in mind that in the normal way this decision is final until death?


Meanwhile he continues on parallel lines his constant self-study and his study of the decision facing him.


I am too hasty in my approach to spirituality and think I can obtain in a day a result that takes much longer. Then I get discouraged. I want to be more humble and I think I will have to struggle for humility for at least 20 years .. . I see more clearly that today in the Church it is the epoch of the Good Press and my future lies with the Congregation of the Good Press Religious... Lord, I had an unpleasant experience and I tremble at the possibility that I may fail in my duties as a Cleric and as a Prefect of the boys and so become responsible for the loss of souls . . . O Jesus, I beseech you through the intercession of Mary to forgive my past, to unite yourself closely to me and become my ideal.


Whatever our brother had in mind when he wrote these lines, it could not have been objectively grave. After his death the Founder testified to the common opinion that the Blessed had never committed a serious sin).


My third conference with the Spiritual Director on the subject of my future. I told him I have moments of terror at the thought that I may take the wrong road, not go where the Lord wants me and so fail to do all the good he has in mind. I said that my pride makes me tremble because it shuts out the divine light. The Director recommended more faith and warned against the danger of scruples. Meanwhile it was time for me to make a decision to avoid losing the divine assistance on this point. The decision will bring its own problems but my support will be the conviction that this is the will of God.


Then comes a positive moment.


When I realize that I will be an apostle of the Good Press my heart fills with joy and I am burning with enthusiasm. It's time for me to inform my parents of this change and also to ask the Bishop's permission Besides Fr. Alberione, I have been encouraged also by Canon Chiesa who said he felt certain that my vocation was to the apostolate of the Good Press. Then he thanks all those who helped him arrive at this point. O God, I thank you for your light. I thank St. Paul, St Joseph, my Angel Guardian and my dear Mother who obtained it for me. Thank you for this noble vocation of which I am most unworthy and for the high and extraordinary holiness to which you are calling me. O Mary, my Mother, I am a part of you and you must form me for it. St Paul, pray for us!


It is the month of May, 1917, and he lists some graces he wishes Our Lady to obtain for him, covering his various duties.


• To feel a constantly-increasing sense of union with her.


• That she may make me a true apostle of the Good Press and obtain permission for me from my superiors and my parents to enter into Fr. Alberione's family.


• That she may form in sanctity the seminarians I am responsible for.


• That she help Torquato to avoid military service


(Italy was now in WW 1 and all able-bodied young men were drafted including the seminarians. Torquato was one of the first boys Fr. Alberione recruited)


In return for these Marian favors he promises Mental sacrifices: trying to know Our Lady better through reading and study; Sacrifices of the will, seeking humiliations and other modifications; Sacrifices of the heart, practicing a tender, filial and intimate confidence with her.


Events are speeding up. Today the Spiritual Director and Canon Chiesa told me that it's time to make a move. O God, I am nothing,needed for nothing. Help me to make this transition. I will make a Triduum of prayer for this intention: to Jesus, Creator of the World and to Mary, hope of sinful humanity; to Mary Queen of Apostles and to Jesus our Redeemer. And on the third day I will receive the Blessed Eucharist.


Some time later.



Mary, here I am at the vigil of the great day when I desire to enter the family of Fr. Alberione, get to know my Sisters (the early Daughters of St. Paul) and begin to live with my dear brothers. Now I have to ask the Bishop for permission to leave the Seminary. This request raised various difficulties - remembering also the relationships between clerics of that age and their Bishops: very different from the relationships existing today.


This evening I asked permission. The Bishop showed that he was aware of my situation and asked if I wanted to remain a cleric, become a priest and then obey Fr Alberione rather than the Bishop. I replied in the affirmative. He thought about this reply for some considerable time and then replied that, if I wished to have his permission to leave, I could no longer wear my cassock. I told him I was quite determined to leave but would be reluctant to leave the cassock aside.


This interview took place on May 17. A week later, we read.


The Bishop called me again and asked me about my studies. He then said that, if I intended to remain a cleric,he wanted me to continue in the seminary. With Fr. Alberione I will never be a priest as I plan to be. Father cannot be all that sure that he is doing the will of God. Of course I am free to try out my call but I am being invited to that house just because I can be useful to them and when they find me useless they will throw me out. Canon Chiesa (Fr. Alberione's Spiritual Director) is a good priest but he has not given me practical advice on this point. And I do not have the serenity and calm needed to be a journalist. My love for the new idea comes from the fact that Fr. Alberione has always helped me - indeed, hypnotized me. The advice I have received contradicts the authority of the Bishop who is not personally, opposed to the work but simply suggests that it remains to be seen not.


The points he made were not difficult in themselves but I was shaken by them because I would have to resist the authority of the Bishop whom I esteem and love and with whom I feel deeply united. I begin to doubt... is my call truly from God. And I almost begin to regret the quiet life I might live if I had not thought of leaving the seminary. But yet my will remained very firm indeed and I still wanted to follow Fr Alberione so there was nothing to be gained by going over the same ground. I spoke to Fr. Alberione again and he said that if I don't believe what we are doing. .. then I should tear up the Gospel!


After this "onslaught" there were other sacrifices he had to make.


I renounced seriously in Jesus' favor what might prevent me following the divine call: my pride, my deep affection for the Seminary, the Clerics, the Superiors, the peaceful Seminary life and even the clerical cassock - though its loss will cause me pain and humiliation . . . And in this period I renewed several times the consecration of my whole being to Mary and this morning after Communion I asked Jesus to cleanse me of all my lack of attention to my tender Mother.


It was now June and Timothy began to make a move toward Fr Alberione. But first of all as a visitor during the summer seminary vacation. The Bishop agreed to this but insisted that, outside the seminary, Timothy would no longer be a cleric.


O Jesus how I thank you for this first grace which marks my life and humbles me. If I had got all I wanted 1 would have lost my head and would have forgotten you and would have lost interest in my formation. I have to spend all this vacation in profound humility having received a less-then-enthusiastic permission from the Bishop and no guarantee of a future permission. Lord, let me live in Fr. Alberione's house not as a member but as a species of poor man or beggar. Long live Jesus!


(continued)


~From the May 2011 Concord