Our holy brother is now fully part of the Fr. Alberione's life and work but not exactly the part the Founder requires and so we find references to " disturbances" and "impatience" and, in general, the problem of a holy but human young clerical student when he has to deal with a true man of God, definitely inspired, but also very human.
November 18, 1917
A special sorrow for the disturbance in the press room and my impatience in class. As regards my spiritual struggle I believe I am intensifying it and am better understanding the spirit of humility. I feel myself small and contemptible and I can learn from the example and counsel of others who are better than me. (This is unlikely at the human level. He had several years of seminary studies and the others were mostly country youths from the area who were learning from him at least at the academic level).
/ am doing my best and am trying to use all the good directions contributing to my formation. I find myself in a period when the Spirit seems to be crushing me and so I badly need grace and prayer. I am sorry for my sloth and also for my mind-wandering during study time. But I await with passion the upcoming consecration to the Sacred Heart of Jesus in the Eucharist from which we will have the bond that unites the House and encourages all of us to holiness.
Then the big moment arrives and he writes joyfully.
O Jesus I am overjoyed today because I consecrated myself totally to you and now I am totally God's and completely committed to the House. Just a short time ago we made consecration to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and enthroned him in our House. Thank you, Jesus for this blessing. Now everything is yours: the material items in the House, our hearts and our minds which we will wear out working for the Good Press; our wills which will obey you; our bodies which we will keep pure. Jesus, our work is yours, you are our king and our lord, and you are this not only for each of us but for the entire House. Extend your kingdom, 0 Jesus.
Very edifying, but then do we detect a slightly different note?
Jesus, I am sorry and humbled because I have had a wild thought: I want to be a trusted companion and the successor of the Founder and the most attached to his spirit - but, how far I am from this!
Perhaps he didn't realize how far he actually was! The next entry is significant.
November 19, 1917
Dear Jesus, I have suffered, I have really suffered because I have failed to measure up to the expectations of the Founder. I deserve, Jesus, his lack of confidence in me and for this reason I humble myself and am glad to suffer.
Dear Jesus, I begin to write these lines while my heart is crushed and my soul also. Several times I have been afraid that I was the cause of disorders in the House. Today I got practical proof of it. This morning, dear Jesus, the Founder complained during the meditation that the House is slipping away from him although he is the only channel of God's inspirations. This came as a big shock to me and you know, O Jesus, that my Holy Communion was all about this meditation and my examination of myself'.
Dear Jesus, I find pride in myself: I notice that I like to let my class run over the appointed time ( he enjoyed sharing his intelligence); in discussions I insist on my point of view and do not always accept the Founder's decision; some things I do are really what the superior would do and I see myself as the superior - these feelings are sometimes merely passing but not always and, basically, in the depths of my soul I feel that I am almost equal to the Founder.
I have asked your forgiveness for all this, 0 Jesus and I have asked forgiveness also for having failed to train the young people in a spirit of attachment to the Founder. I then examined myself on the principles involved and I believe I have the right principles: unity in the House, total submission to the Founder as the only person who is inspired and can communicate your will to us.
Before I entered the House I told the Founder that I had this attitude and on his Feastday I said the same thing on behalf of all of us. That is why I made my vows and added the consecration of the House to the Sacred Heart. And so for my part I will try to limit myself to what he says and to imitate his examples and cultivate this submission in the others. Moreover, O Jesus, I prayed that I might not do enough for him because I am so soaked in the spirit of the Seminary. And I fear that he does not appreciate me enough.
Today, in a special way, the Founder said:
I thought you were better than you are and I had too much respect for you and wanted you to be my companion but I made a mistake.
You are full of a spirit of discipline but you have not yet filled yourself with the spirit of the House which has to be totally courage, joy and unity.
Perhaps without your being aware of it, your spirit has infected the others and now I feel that they are moving away from me and there are disorders. When you are out in the town you speak as if you were the superior - in fact Canon Chiesa (the Founder's Spiritual Director,), the Seminary Rector and even the Bishop have told me about this bad turn in your life.
I am the only superior and there must be no one between me and the young people. I must be the one to receive them and have them take their place in the House because I am the only one having God's inspirations. This must be the case at any cost, at ANY cost.
You have behaved as a superior and the young people have begun to see you as equal to me; your place is to be a humble disciple and nothing else: a humble disciple.
You can be superior only in class, in virtue and in humility.
Everyone must depend on me: this is essential if the will of God is to be done fully and this is how things will go better for you, for the House and for me.
Lord Jesus, I don't have sufficient tears to weep over these serious charges but you know my will and my sighs. What am I to do? I will abandon myself to you and be less and less sure of myself because my previous dispositions led me into sin.
(continued)
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